So I went to see my Medication Management person yesterday and they have added Abilify to my daily medication regiment.  It was good to talk to a therapist and have them just say that 'they understand.'  I think what I really need is to feel that my emotions are valid, that I'm allowed to feel upset about things.  I know that seeking validation from others is a trap that could end up with me being let down.  But when I'm at my lowest, I think that's what my friends are there for.

Not wanting to be alive anymore, I didn't know that it would affect so many people around me.  Multiple calls and texts went out Tuesday midnight to keep an eye out for me.  That's when most people are sleeping, and yet some woke up just to ensure I would be okay.  It's ironic....that was the same day I lost all hope in people because of friends letting me down, breaking commitments to me, and neglecting me.  This world is full of selfish douches, and they will get their punishment in the end.  But what keeps me going is knowing that though they may be rare, there are people who really do care, even if it means freaking out on my behalf.

My friend came over last night for about 3 hours just to talk to me and let me cry things out.  What really stuck out is how much she just kept telling me that my situation sucked and what people were doing to me was unfair to me.  But she also told me that 'life is just like this and it's something we should learn to accept.  But no matter what happens, to know that I am allowed to feel angry and hurt, and that I'm not just some psycho spinning off the deep end.'

Somehow, someway, I managed to work up the courage to go to work today.  Unfortunately the person who hurt me most and triggered my relapse is a colleague.  I won't lie, it was difficult to see them and not scream out loud.  Maybe in a week things will blow over, but for now they are being a punk and blaming me for something that was clearly their screw up.  I'll do my best to make it through today, my goal is to stay in the office until 3pm.  Hey, one step at a time right?  The little victories are what get me through the day.