I was sitting at home one day because I had a relapse in depression and couldn't push myself to go to work. I got this idea that I should start a blog about my struggles. I've definitely found that writing down my emotions helps me to process them and to fight against depression. But my bigger hope is that this will help those without depression to understand what this struggle really is. Maybe I'll create enough of a spark to help end the stigma regarding clinical depression, who knows?
I guess this relapse was inevitable. I think what caused it was just the overwhelming sense of loneliness and feeling like a low priority to friends. It's so hard being single while a majority of people around me are dating or are married. As much as I try to be happy for them, it's a constant reminder of what I don't have. I tried to be happy when my best friend told me he was getting married, but for the first day or so all I could think about was that I was losing a friend. Lately, when I've needed to talk or hang out with someone, all I hear is 'Sorry, I'm busy with my bf/gf.' Yes I know priorities change, but should you make a bf/gf your sole priority? What happens to people in my condition who need a little extra attention? We end up getting neglected and feeling unwanted or like we're not important. It may be the depression talking, but I can't help but feel there is some truth to it, that society is blind to those who struggle with depression because they go into life expecting us to have the same needs that everyday people do. Truth is, the more my needs get pushed down, the angrier I get at couples. I'm sick of people cancelling plans with me to go with their bf instead. You made a commitment to me, and you're just going to shaft me like that? Worst part is when we started fighting and my friend pretty much doesn't want to be friends with me anymore because I push her to uphold her commitments. How am I supposed to react to that? I simply don't know anymore. All I know is that I feel so let down and neglected, that I'm not even worth it. For many nights this week, I've gone to bed hoping that I wouldn't wake up in the morning. I won't actively commit suicide, but I do find myself not wanting to be alive. Life can't be worth this kind of pain can it? It was then I decided to start seeing my therapist again. Are my feelings towards dating couples actually justified?
One of the most frustrating things I've encountered the past few days is others asking me 'Why can't you just let it go and be happy?' I know they're trying to help and care, but it does nothing but show how society views depression as something like a weakness that I have control over. Does society really fault me and think I wish I wasn't happy? I try so hard to just be okay, but for some days, getting out of bed is nothing short of a miracle. Nothing about this struggle makes me weak. During the day I not only have to make an attempt to be a good worker, a good person, but I have to do it while simultaneously fighting off dark thoughts. As bad as it seems, those dark thoughts are the prevailing thoughts at times. It's these days I find myself yearning for an end to the suffering by any means possible. But somehow, I'm still alive today and live to fight another day. I haven't quit yet.
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