What the hell do you want from me? Is my personality really that detestable to you?  I'm an open person and I like sharing about my life because I didn't have that growing up.  Lindsey is so freaking frustrating.  She spent all last night telling me how I overshare things, and that I've become like one of her 'psych clients' who she just advises and never dates.  What hurts is that she said we've only been talking a few months and haven't even met yet.  That's not my fault! She's the one who didn't want to meet up.  Talking everyday for a few months, what is that not considered close or interested?  I don't get you

Oooh child, things are gonna get easier.
Oooh child, things are gonna get brighter.

God I certainly hope so.  I'm not having one of my better days.  All I've been able to accomplish today is to come into work and put my head down on my desk.  What's the point of me being at work today anyways? I'm not gonna be able to get anything done.  The other alternative is sitting at home alone and I can't really think of a dumber idea.  Does it get easier?  I've degenerated to the point where I have to write in my depression journal again.  How did I slip down this far?

This week has really been a struggle. Why do people have to be so difficult to work with?  Am I really that hard to relate to because I'm not wired like most other people?  Why did God have to make me this unique?

Monday....

Monday Monday Monday....why did you have to come so early? hahaha.  I can barely keep my eyes open at work.  Somehow I gotta make it through without falling asleep at my desk.

I actually feel decently these past few days.  My friend and I made up, although it'll still take work to patch everything up.  This whole ordeal has made me reconsider what friends really are. How can you profess to care about someone and then ditch them?  Why is it so many of my friends neglect me even though they know of my condition and that it requires extra attention?  It's been frustrating and I find it hard to trust anyone anymore.

Let's see...something positive to focus on today.  Jennifer had a bad week and needs me around so we planned for a dinner and dvd/blu-ray movie night.  It's nice to feel wanted.  This goes right along with what my pastor was telling me yesterday about serving others and how it can be a distraction from our own issues.  I genuinely believe that I am one of those people who needs to be needed.  And when I'm not, I feel like I don't have any use.  It's dangerous at causes me pain at times, but I feel happiest when I'm helping others.  Maybe that's why God put me on this earth.  Who knows?

TGIF!

It's finally Friday! Not a moment too soon. Really need this weekend to just unwind after a taxiing week.  I'm supposed to go to Frankie's with some friends tomorrow.  Gotta make up for the lackluster laser tag performance I had last time haha. Supposed to have another 'date' tomorrow as well too.

Yesterday was an up and down day so I decided to stay at home instead of going to the office.  I was torn between talking to that person and waiting until next week.  I gave in and talked to them eventually.  It seems like we're okay, things are just a bit icy which is to be expected.  It'll take time for me to be able to trust her again.

As of today, I have been on Abilify for a week.  Hard to tell, but I can feel some difference.  That 'huge black cloud' isn't as heavy anymore but it's definitely still there.  I think the rest is for therapy to handle.  Medication can only take me so far.  It's not much progress, but it's a start at least.  I'm looking forward to restarting therapy on the 20th.  It's amazing how much it helps to just have someone talk to you, listen, and above all, not judge you for having certain emotions.  I feel safe there, something I don't experience often.

Week almost half over...

Let's see, I'm not quite sure how to start my entry today.  I went with a friend to the mall last night after work.  Even if we didn't really buy anything, just being out with someone and laughing about the stupidest things cheered me up a lot.  A part of me has a gut feeling that she likes me more than as a friend but I'm not sure.  In a way, I always imagined that's what having a girlfriend would be like, just walking around the mall and me saying if I like outfits or not.  I guess time will tell.

As expected, I've been torn all week as to when I should attempt to talk to that person who hurt me.  It's been about a week since I've said a word to her and I miss talking.  But at the same time I'm trying to protect myself as well.  Some days I'm so positive that I could do it tomorrow, and other times I'm not so sure.  I'm taking this as a sign that I'm not quite ready to talk to her again.  I'm not going to be like her, just drifting through life doing what 'I feel like.'  I'm driven by what I need to do and by loyalty, so I think I'm going to wait until next week.  I probably need a bit more time.  Friendship shouldn't be this hard should it?

Started off my day with a little dance to 'Hooked on a Feeling' by Blue Swede.  Nothing's going to keep me down today.  No matter what other people keep telling me, thing's are not my fault and I'm stronger than they give me credit for.

Yesterday a colleague was telling me that cowards commit suicide, and that I was not a coward.  That definitely gave me the strength to get through the day.

Got a call from my pastor last night.  Apparently whenever the word 'suicide' is brought up, he is bound by rules to report it to the church leadership.  I definitely felt like I was being judged.  In the back of my mind, I've always known that Asian Christians have such a difficult time understanding clinical depression and last night just kinda proved it to me.  I fear I may be asked to leave the church because they don't want to be liable for me.  But at the same time, I don't think it's a bad thing.  If I have to leave, perhaps it will generate enough awareness about clinical depression that the Asian mindset towards it will finally change.  If that's the case, it's totally worth it.  I wonder though....would any of my friends leave the church willingly to show their support for me?

I had a good relaxing weekend.  REAL friends showed they cared and it made all the difference.  This week is going to be really rough, especially since I have to see 'that person' everyday at work.  But I'm going to focus on my friends who stuck with me and choose to let that happiness fill me instead.  As to what happens this week, I don't know, but I'm going to do my best.

Thanks so much to Kelly for jokingly threatening to beat someone up for me.  It's been awhile since I've been shown that kind of loyalty.  And also thanks to Chloe, Zoe, Rachel, and Anne for calling/texting/spending time with me everyday this past weekend.  It really made a world of difference!  Your love is what is going to get me through this week!

As I sit here to write this, I find that describing my day is a daunting task. Throughout the day, I drifted from an overwhelming weight on my shoulders, to being ok, then back to a low mood again. I'm not sure why I was like this today, but I'm choosing to believe that it's a shred of progress from medication or something else. Or it could maybe even be the realization that a lot of people would drop everything to care for me. Either way, it's better than letting one crazy selfish jerk get to me and weigh me down. I'm so happy I have Zoe and Chloe as my friends, and just being willing to spend most of the evening with me, if only to watch a movie. It was just the reminder I needed. Yes it was difficult to get through this day. I still get so angry and hurt when I think of what I went through this past week, but somehow I have the strength to force myself to think of other things. Hopefully I can report more progress tomorrow.

So I went to see my Medication Management person yesterday and they have added Abilify to my daily medication regiment.  It was good to talk to a therapist and have them just say that 'they understand.'  I think what I really need is to feel that my emotions are valid, that I'm allowed to feel upset about things.  I know that seeking validation from others is a trap that could end up with me being let down.  But when I'm at my lowest, I think that's what my friends are there for.

Not wanting to be alive anymore, I didn't know that it would affect so many people around me.  Multiple calls and texts went out Tuesday midnight to keep an eye out for me.  That's when most people are sleeping, and yet some woke up just to ensure I would be okay.  It's ironic....that was the same day I lost all hope in people because of friends letting me down, breaking commitments to me, and neglecting me.  This world is full of selfish douches, and they will get their punishment in the end.  But what keeps me going is knowing that though they may be rare, there are people who really do care, even if it means freaking out on my behalf.

My friend came over last night for about 3 hours just to talk to me and let me cry things out.  What really stuck out is how much she just kept telling me that my situation sucked and what people were doing to me was unfair to me.  But she also told me that 'life is just like this and it's something we should learn to accept.  But no matter what happens, to know that I am allowed to feel angry and hurt, and that I'm not just some psycho spinning off the deep end.'

Somehow, someway, I managed to work up the courage to go to work today.  Unfortunately the person who hurt me most and triggered my relapse is a colleague.  I won't lie, it was difficult to see them and not scream out loud.  Maybe in a week things will blow over, but for now they are being a punk and blaming me for something that was clearly their screw up.  I'll do my best to make it through today, my goal is to stay in the office until 3pm.  Hey, one step at a time right?  The little victories are what get me through the day.

Life after relapse....

I was sitting at home one day because I had a relapse in depression and couldn't push myself to go to work.  I got this idea that I should start a blog about my struggles.  I've definitely found that writing down my emotions helps me to process them and to fight against depression.  But  my bigger hope is that this will help those without depression to understand what this struggle really is.  Maybe I'll create enough of a spark to help end the stigma regarding clinical depression, who knows?

I guess this relapse was inevitable.  I think what caused it was just the overwhelming sense of loneliness and feeling like a low priority to friends.  It's so hard being single while a majority of people around me are dating or are married.  As much as I try to be happy for them, it's a constant reminder of what I don't have.  I tried to be happy when my best friend told me he was getting married, but for the first day or so all I could think about was that I was losing a friend.  Lately, when I've needed to talk or hang out with someone, all I hear is 'Sorry, I'm busy with my bf/gf.'  Yes I know priorities change, but should you make a bf/gf your sole priority?  What happens to people in my condition who need a little extra attention?  We end up getting neglected and feeling unwanted or like we're not important.  It may be the depression talking, but I can't help but feel there is some truth to it, that society is blind to those who struggle with depression because they go into life expecting us to have the same needs that everyday people do.  Truth is, the more my needs get pushed down, the angrier I get at couples.  I'm sick of people cancelling plans with me to go with their bf instead.  You made a commitment to me, and you're just going to shaft me like that?  Worst part is when we started fighting and my friend pretty much doesn't want to be friends with me anymore because I push her to uphold her commitments.  How am I supposed to react to that?  I simply don't know anymore.  All I know is that I feel so let down and neglected, that I'm not even worth it.  For many nights this week, I've gone to bed hoping that I wouldn't wake up in the morning.  I won't actively commit suicide, but I do find myself not wanting to be alive.  Life can't be worth this kind of pain can it?  It was then I decided to start seeing my therapist again.  Are my feelings towards dating couples actually justified?

One of the most frustrating things I've encountered the past few days is others asking me 'Why can't you just let it go and be happy?'  I know they're trying to help and care, but it does nothing but show how society views depression as something like a weakness that I have control over.  Does society really fault me and think I wish I wasn't happy?  I try so hard to just be okay, but for some days, getting out of bed is nothing short of a miracle.  Nothing about this struggle makes me weak.  During the day I not only have to make an attempt to be a good worker, a good person, but I have to do it while simultaneously fighting off dark thoughts.  As bad as it seems, those dark thoughts are the prevailing thoughts at times.  It's these days I find myself yearning for an end to the suffering by any means possible.  But somehow, I'm still alive today and live to fight another day.  I haven't quit yet.