Friday, December 5, 2014
What the hell do you want from me? Is my personality really that detestable to you? I'm an open person and I like sharing about my life because I didn't have that growing up. Lindsey is so freaking frustrating. She spent all last night telling me how I overshare things, and that I've become like one of her 'psych clients' who she just advises and never dates. What hurts is that she said we've only been talking a few months and haven't even met yet. That's not my fault! She's the one who didn't want to meet up. Talking everyday for a few months, what is that not considered close or interested? I don't get you
Wednesday, October 22, 2014
Oooh child, things are gonna get easier.
Oooh child, things are gonna get brighter.
God I certainly hope so. I'm not having one of my better days. All I've been able to accomplish today is to come into work and put my head down on my desk. What's the point of me being at work today anyways? I'm not gonna be able to get anything done. The other alternative is sitting at home alone and I can't really think of a dumber idea. Does it get easier? I've degenerated to the point where I have to write in my depression journal again. How did I slip down this far?
Oooh child, things are gonna get brighter.
God I certainly hope so. I'm not having one of my better days. All I've been able to accomplish today is to come into work and put my head down on my desk. What's the point of me being at work today anyways? I'm not gonna be able to get anything done. The other alternative is sitting at home alone and I can't really think of a dumber idea. Does it get easier? I've degenerated to the point where I have to write in my depression journal again. How did I slip down this far?
Thursday, October 16, 2014
Monday, October 13, 2014
Monday....
Monday Monday Monday....why did you have to come so early? hahaha. I can barely keep my eyes open at work. Somehow I gotta make it through without falling asleep at my desk.
I actually feel decently these past few days. My friend and I made up, although it'll still take work to patch everything up. This whole ordeal has made me reconsider what friends really are. How can you profess to care about someone and then ditch them? Why is it so many of my friends neglect me even though they know of my condition and that it requires extra attention? It's been frustrating and I find it hard to trust anyone anymore.
Let's see...something positive to focus on today. Jennifer had a bad week and needs me around so we planned for a dinner and dvd/blu-ray movie night. It's nice to feel wanted. This goes right along with what my pastor was telling me yesterday about serving others and how it can be a distraction from our own issues. I genuinely believe that I am one of those people who needs to be needed. And when I'm not, I feel like I don't have any use. It's dangerous at causes me pain at times, but I feel happiest when I'm helping others. Maybe that's why God put me on this earth. Who knows?
I actually feel decently these past few days. My friend and I made up, although it'll still take work to patch everything up. This whole ordeal has made me reconsider what friends really are. How can you profess to care about someone and then ditch them? Why is it so many of my friends neglect me even though they know of my condition and that it requires extra attention? It's been frustrating and I find it hard to trust anyone anymore.
Let's see...something positive to focus on today. Jennifer had a bad week and needs me around so we planned for a dinner and dvd/blu-ray movie night. It's nice to feel wanted. This goes right along with what my pastor was telling me yesterday about serving others and how it can be a distraction from our own issues. I genuinely believe that I am one of those people who needs to be needed. And when I'm not, I feel like I don't have any use. It's dangerous at causes me pain at times, but I feel happiest when I'm helping others. Maybe that's why God put me on this earth. Who knows?
Friday, October 10, 2014
TGIF!
It's finally Friday! Not a moment too soon. Really need this weekend to just unwind after a taxiing week. I'm supposed to go to Frankie's with some friends tomorrow. Gotta make up for the lackluster laser tag performance I had last time haha. Supposed to have another 'date' tomorrow as well too.
Yesterday was an up and down day so I decided to stay at home instead of going to the office. I was torn between talking to that person and waiting until next week. I gave in and talked to them eventually. It seems like we're okay, things are just a bit icy which is to be expected. It'll take time for me to be able to trust her again.
As of today, I have been on Abilify for a week. Hard to tell, but I can feel some difference. That 'huge black cloud' isn't as heavy anymore but it's definitely still there. I think the rest is for therapy to handle. Medication can only take me so far. It's not much progress, but it's a start at least. I'm looking forward to restarting therapy on the 20th. It's amazing how much it helps to just have someone talk to you, listen, and above all, not judge you for having certain emotions. I feel safe there, something I don't experience often.
Yesterday was an up and down day so I decided to stay at home instead of going to the office. I was torn between talking to that person and waiting until next week. I gave in and talked to them eventually. It seems like we're okay, things are just a bit icy which is to be expected. It'll take time for me to be able to trust her again.
As of today, I have been on Abilify for a week. Hard to tell, but I can feel some difference. That 'huge black cloud' isn't as heavy anymore but it's definitely still there. I think the rest is for therapy to handle. Medication can only take me so far. It's not much progress, but it's a start at least. I'm looking forward to restarting therapy on the 20th. It's amazing how much it helps to just have someone talk to you, listen, and above all, not judge you for having certain emotions. I feel safe there, something I don't experience often.
Wednesday, October 8, 2014
Week almost half over...
Let's see, I'm not quite sure how to start my entry today. I went with a friend to the mall last night after work. Even if we didn't really buy anything, just being out with someone and laughing about the stupidest things cheered me up a lot. A part of me has a gut feeling that she likes me more than as a friend but I'm not sure. In a way, I always imagined that's what having a girlfriend would be like, just walking around the mall and me saying if I like outfits or not. I guess time will tell.
As expected, I've been torn all week as to when I should attempt to talk to that person who hurt me. It's been about a week since I've said a word to her and I miss talking. But at the same time I'm trying to protect myself as well. Some days I'm so positive that I could do it tomorrow, and other times I'm not so sure. I'm taking this as a sign that I'm not quite ready to talk to her again. I'm not going to be like her, just drifting through life doing what 'I feel like.' I'm driven by what I need to do and by loyalty, so I think I'm going to wait until next week. I probably need a bit more time. Friendship shouldn't be this hard should it?
As expected, I've been torn all week as to when I should attempt to talk to that person who hurt me. It's been about a week since I've said a word to her and I miss talking. But at the same time I'm trying to protect myself as well. Some days I'm so positive that I could do it tomorrow, and other times I'm not so sure. I'm taking this as a sign that I'm not quite ready to talk to her again. I'm not going to be like her, just drifting through life doing what 'I feel like.' I'm driven by what I need to do and by loyalty, so I think I'm going to wait until next week. I probably need a bit more time. Friendship shouldn't be this hard should it?
Tuesday, October 7, 2014
Started off my day with a little dance to 'Hooked on a Feeling' by Blue Swede. Nothing's going to keep me down today. No matter what other people keep telling me, thing's are not my fault and I'm stronger than they give me credit for.
Yesterday a colleague was telling me that cowards commit suicide, and that I was not a coward. That definitely gave me the strength to get through the day.
Got a call from my pastor last night. Apparently whenever the word 'suicide' is brought up, he is bound by rules to report it to the church leadership. I definitely felt like I was being judged. In the back of my mind, I've always known that Asian Christians have such a difficult time understanding clinical depression and last night just kinda proved it to me. I fear I may be asked to leave the church because they don't want to be liable for me. But at the same time, I don't think it's a bad thing. If I have to leave, perhaps it will generate enough awareness about clinical depression that the Asian mindset towards it will finally change. If that's the case, it's totally worth it. I wonder though....would any of my friends leave the church willingly to show their support for me?
Yesterday a colleague was telling me that cowards commit suicide, and that I was not a coward. That definitely gave me the strength to get through the day.
Got a call from my pastor last night. Apparently whenever the word 'suicide' is brought up, he is bound by rules to report it to the church leadership. I definitely felt like I was being judged. In the back of my mind, I've always known that Asian Christians have such a difficult time understanding clinical depression and last night just kinda proved it to me. I fear I may be asked to leave the church because they don't want to be liable for me. But at the same time, I don't think it's a bad thing. If I have to leave, perhaps it will generate enough awareness about clinical depression that the Asian mindset towards it will finally change. If that's the case, it's totally worth it. I wonder though....would any of my friends leave the church willingly to show their support for me?
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